Satyr Satire
by MollyCoddles
Summary: Tonks and Remus are pressed into service by Aberforth when one of his goats needs medical attention.


Rating: T for Troll

Warnings: Goats have sharp horns.

Summary: Tonks and Remus are pressed into service by Aberforth when one of his goats needs medical attention.

Author's notes: Middle C, F sharp and B flat. -- This was written for metamorficmoon challenge months ago. Set in OotP era.

Genre: Crackfic

Prompt: You and I

_**Satyr Satire **_

A raging bellow shattered the quiet rumble of conversation in the Hog's Head Inn. Nearly every head turned, slack-jawed, toward the sound as a dust-disturbing crash shook the wall.

"Bloody hell!" Tonks gasped, leaping up, wand at the ready.

Remus chuckled, seeming unconcerned. "My, what quick reflexes you have."

"The better to--"

_BANG._

"--you with, my dear," Tonks answered, keeping her wand trained on the sound.

"There's Aberforth." Remus nodded a greeting to the old barkeep, who seemed to be sprinkling millet on the bar.

Another thud shook some owl droppings from the rafters, but there was no apparent sign of distress from Aberforth.

Tonks shifted uneasily, but Remus stepped up to lean against the bar. "Hello Aberforth. Would the source of that disturbance happen to be our 'assignment' today?"

"Aye." The old man squinted at them before scooping a handful of barley out of a bucket and scattering it across the floor.

"What the hell is that racket?" Tonks asked, brushing suspicious bits of something out of her Valentine pink, spiky hair.

"Uni."

"As in 'unicorn?'" she queried.

"Unicycle."

"You've charmed a unicycle to crash into your wall?" She twitched a bit at another thud.

Flinging a final handful of grain absently, Aberforth gestured for them to follow him.

Tonks' jaw dropped as they entered the room on the other side of the wall.

It was a goat. Riding a unicycle. Badly.

_Smash_. It hit the wall again.

Aberforth whistled sharply and the goat leaped off his pedals to trot toward them, stumbling a bit.

"Bloody hell," Tonks whispered.

"Hm." Remus watched the animal approach. "What's his name? And what's wrong with him?"

"Euan. Eye." Aberforth answered in his typical cryptic manner as the goat tripped his way over.

Remus knelt down to peer closely at the goat's shaggy face. "Ah, I see. Conjunctivitis Curse?"

"Aye."

Remus looked at Tonks. "Do you know the counter curse to use on animals?"

"No. Sorry." She stared at the goat in a sort of disturbed yet fascinated way.

Remus straightened. "Only one thing for it, then," he said. "We'll take him to an animal Healer."

"We?" Tonks snapped to attention. "Why can't _he_—" she jerked her head at Aberforth "—do it? It's _his_ goat."

"He has to stay at the bar to keep an eye on you-know-who," Remus answered.

"_What_? He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Here?" Tonks whipped her wand out in a defensive stance and glanced around the room, as though Voldemort might be hiding beneath a pile of hay in the corner.

Remus pressed his lips together to hide a snigger. "No. It's a Hogsmeade weekend. Aberforth has to stay here to help watch out for Harry. There are rumours that Rita Skeeter has been buzzing about, claiming to have an interview set up with him today."

Tonks huffed, eyes rolling in resignation. "Fine. Where do we have to take this bloody beast?"

"Ewe and Eye." Aberforth said. He reached into the pocket of his robes, pulling out a handful of cracked corn, which he slung in an arc as if feeding a flock of chickens.

Tonks frowned, watching the goat nose around in the straw to nibble the grain.

"Of course," Remus said, nodding. "The animal optometrist."

"And how do you propose we get him there?" Tonks asked.

"Blonde." Aberforth grunted.

"Euan likes blondes," Remus interpreted.

"He likes—what the?—You can't be serious."

"No. I'm Remus." He sniggered. "And I thought the _goat_ was blind."

Tonks' nostrils flared as her eyes narrowed. "How about I Charm your hair blond so _you_ can be goat bait?"

"No. He wants you." Aberforth interrupted, pointing at her firmly and forcibly reminding her of her Uncle Sam.

She glared at him before darting a mistrustful look at the goat. "I thought you said he was blind? How does he know my hair colour?"

Aberforth shrugged, scattering another handful of something from another pocket.

"Fine." She scrunched up her face until long, Veela-like blonde tresses shimmered down her back. "Let's just go get this over with."

----------------------------------

They walked up the street and zigzagged through alleys and avenues until they were on the outskirts of town, where they walked over the Troll Bridge.

Remus had chuckled most of the trip, and when they'd finally delivered the goat to the Healer's office, Tonks whirled to face him, hands on her hips. "What? It better be good, because this is the stupidest mission I've ever been on, and that includes the time I got sent to buy hemorrhoid cream for Moody."

"Sorry," he said, fighting to control his twitching lips. "It was just…the blonde leading the blind…"

She blinked. And then giggled. Her giggles turned into laughter, as did his chuckles, and before long, they were both wiping tears of mirth from their eyes.

The receptionist had promised the Healer would have Euan out in "two shakes of a lamb's tail," and sure enough, the goat emerged with a snappy _trip, trap_ of happy-sounding hooves.

Euan gamboled and cavorted behind them as they walked, hand-in-hand, back to the Hog's Head.

Aberforth met them at the door, scattering a handful of a light-coloured grain on the floor.

Tonks paused in the doorway. "Why doesn't he just pour it in a pile for the poor goat to eat?" she wondered aloud.

"Well," Remus mused, watching the barkeep lead the goat back toward his room. "I assumed he was sowing his wild oats and doing his best to keep the bar _seedy_."

Tonks swatted his shoulder. "Come on, let's go home and have a romantic dinner for two and then you can sow some of your wild oats.

"Heavenly Hippogriffs, woman, don't you ever get enough?"

She shook her head fervently. "A million times, no."

"I don't know," he shook his head doubtfully. "I might be too tired, too sore and too hungry."

"Damn it Remus! You're always 'too' something."

"Hm." He smiled and pulled her into his arms, Apparating them to her flat. "And I'll always be too much in love with you."


End file.
